Gratifying youngsters

Whether it is a bribe or reward, children should not be trained to expect something for being obedient

theSun, Tue, 13 Apr 2010

I HAVE been guilty of negotiating unnecessary ‘win-win’ deals with my child to avoid the stress of power struggles. I give my child a new story book to keep her quiet during dinner at a restaurant, ­although reading at the dinner table is prohibited at home. I know I’m not alone in this. Some parents would buy their children candy or chocolates to prevent them from screaming in the supermarket. Others tell their children that they can have their dream toy if they do as they are told.

What is the difference between bribing and rewarding a child? The online Merriam-Webster ­dictionary defines bribery as “money or favour given or promised in ­order to ­influence the judgment or ­conduct...; something that serves to induce or influence”. Meanwhile, a reward, according to the same dictionary, is “something that is given in return for good done or received, or that is offered or given for some service or attainment”.

Based on these general definitions, we can say that ­giving ­something to a child prior to good behaviour is a bribe. It is to ­influence them into doing ­something we want them to do. Meanwhile, ­giving them something in return for being obedient can be defined as a reward. This is to reinforce the idea that good behaviour results in good consequences.

Be it a bribe or reward, we need to be mindful of a few things whenever we are tempted to offer our child some goodies in order for him to behave or do our bidding.

» Do not let this practice ­become a habit. If you reward your child for every little thing he does, it will soon become an expectation. He will expect to be rewarded for just washing his hands, for example. He may start demanding for a present every time you tell him to do something.

While there are times we can give a child something for a job well done, we should not allow him to think that he has a choice or can negotiate. There must be times when we need to be firm and
remind ourselves that we have the right to ask them to do certain things, and expect them to do it simply because we said so.

» Do not shoot from the hip and offer rewards freely. The child will comply to a request from the parent simply because he wants the specific reward. The moment the reward stops, the good behaviour will also stop.

» Do not offer food as a bribe or reward. For example, giving a child ice cream, sweets or ­cookies to make him pick up his toys will not teach him responsibility, and will create an unhealthy ­association with such foods. Teach your child about eating healthily and do not use junk food as rewards or ­incentives.

Rewards need not always be in the form of material things. Sincere praise, a hug and telling him you are proud of what he has done could help boost a child’s sense of self worth. Praise him when you observe good behaviour and when he does things on his own accord. It will encourage him to continue with the same behaviour in future.