Dealing with death

theSun, Tues 7 Oct 2008

PARENTS will have to face the tricky job of dealing with the inevitable topic of death with their children at one point or another in their lives.

Children’s perception of death varies according to their age, personality and past experiences. Younger ones in preschool may think death is not permanent or could be reversed, like in the tale of Snow White or Sleeping Beauty.

According to experts, at this age, they take words literally so it is best not to explain death by using words like "sleeping", "resting", or "taking a trip".

Tell them briefly and simply that the person’s body is not working any more; that he can no longer eat, sleep, breathe, or grow.

When they question, give them simple and honest answers, and share the spiritual beliefs you have about death. By allowing them to talk about it, you can find out their worries and fears, and if what they already know is right.

This will help you give them the correct information to help them understand. An open and comfortable atmosphere is important for the child to feel assured, comforted and secure.

A publication titled Talking to Children about Death by experts from North Dakota State University says that "periodic conversations about death are important since understanding death is a gradual process. Children will take in the information as they are ready and increase their understanding as they develop".

When a family member, relative or friend dies, you will be faced with the dilemma of whether to take your young child to the funeral or not.

I, for one, would worry about how she would feel when she sees the body in the casket, and that I may not be able to answer her questions patiently during the funeral proceedings. And what if, though innocently, she makes embarrassing or inappropriate remarks?

We need to prepare ourselves and our children if we plan to take them to a funeral. Give them a heads-up of what to expect. Explain what happens at a funeral, and that there will be many people there, some of whom could be sad or crying.

This could help alleviate their fears or sudden outbursts due to insecurity or shock from the new experience and being in an unfamiliar place.

Young as they are, children can sense the tension or grief adults feel. If the deceased is someone they are close to, they would feel the loss as deeply as adults do. They, however, express it differently, through play, art or play-acting.

KidsHealth, a website that provides doctor-approved health information about children, says it is all right to let our child witness our own grief, pain, and tears about a death.

Allowing your child to see your pain shows that crying is a natural reaction to emotional pain and loss. And it can make children more comfortable sharing their feelings.

You could also ask someone to supervise your child if you feel that your own grief might prevent you from helping her at this difficult time.

Choose someone you both like and trust who won’t mind leaving the funeral if your child wants to go.

But it’s also important to convey that no matter how sad you may be feeling, you’ll still be able to care for your family and make your child feel safe.