We need to teach our children that there will be times in their lives when they cannot get what they want
theSun, tues, 29 March 2011
IT WAS time to leave after her tiring physical activity class. Bedtime beckoned as it was a schoolday the next day but she asked if she could go to the indoor playground nearby.
I said ‘no’. She pleaded and tried to negotiate but I stood firm. Her facial expression changed very quickly from happy to desperate to angry.
As much as we love our children and want to give them everything if we could, there will be times we know we have to say ‘no’ to them.
Saying ‘no’ to our children could be an uneasy task at times because we dread having to deal with what comes after – the power struggle, the tantrum and tears.
We are tempted to avoid the hassle of dealing with such situations because we want them off our backs for some peace and quiet.
If we do that, very quickly, our children will know when and how they can manipulate us to get what they want. They will cry or plead on bended knees long enough until you say ‘yes’.
We need to teach our children a life’s lesson, that there will be times when we cannot get what we want.
Sometimes, we cannot get what we want immediately and instead, have to work and wait for it.
By not giving in to instant gratification and saying ‘no’, we can teach them patience. They will learn to appreciate what they have more.
Otherwise, they will lack the motivation to work towards what they want because they think they are entitled to it.
By denying them sometimes, they will be in touch with the reality of life’s limits and be able to cope with boundaries and disappointments later in life.
Sometimes, we hesitate in saying ‘no’ because we might make them feel rejected when we disappoint them.
Separate the ‘no’ from rejection. Explain to them that ‘no’ means they cannot have what they want; it does not mean you do not love them.
How we say it could make a difference as well. Check your tone of voice and the accompanying words you use.
You could say ‘yes’ with a twist. For instance, telling her "yes, you can have ice cream later after dinner" and not "no, you cannot have it now" could bring about a better outcome.
See if there are alternatives you could offer or if they are younger and can still be easily distracted, turn their attention to more exciting things.
Saying ‘no’ to our children is hard but it is essential and worth the hassle.
According to therapist Jill MacDonald in her article Understanding the Need to Say ‘No’ to Your Children, "you learn that when you say ‘no’, you’re teaching your child something.
"You start to understand that saying ‘no’ is a tool. You learn to say ‘no’ in a non-punishing manner. You take the time to think through your answers, while keeping your focus on the life lesson at hand.
"Our role as parents is to raise our children to be happy, successful, contributing members of society.
"Therefore, teaching them to handle hearing ‘no’ – and to understand the lesson behind it – is key," she says.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The right influence
It is imperative that parents steer their children to peers who can set good examples for each other
theSun, Tue, 15 Mar 2011
EVERYONE faces peer influence at different times in his or her life. Young children are not immune but in their case, most times they are not aware of it and would naturally react as how their young minds would.
For example, your child may pester you for the latest Barbie doll accessory just because she doesn’t want to feel left out among her friends at kindergarten who are constantly talking about theirs.
Meanwhile, those in their teens may face a different type of peer influence. It could range from conforming to a behaviour or a type of dressing to indulging in risky activities such as smoking, drinking or taking drugs – just so they can be part of a group.
While we have often talked and worried about the negative effects of peer influence, there is also a positive side to it.
According to Kidshealth.org, it is comforting for children to face life’s challenges with friends who are also facing similar challenges and share their interests.
When children accept each other, they learn about honesty and sincerity. They learn the values of loyalty and how to build healthy and lasting friendships.
Peers can set good examples for each other, such as in wanting to do well in school or extra-curricular activities. Good friends listen, discuss problems, share ideas and give feedback. They help each other think through issues and decisions.
Such children also have more courage to try out new things, make new friends, or learn a new skill when they have one another for company and give each other moral support.
Peers may influence your child to join a club, listen to a genre of music they are otherwise not accustomed to, or for younger ones, eat some vegetables!
When our children are young, we play a part in determining who their peers are. We arrange play dates for them with children whose parents are our friends. We get to know the parents of their classmates in kindergarten through common activities at school or at birthday parties.
In this way, we are in better control of their exposure to positive peer influence.
As our children grow older, they would be spending more time with their peers and, therefore, be more exposed to situations where they are pressured to follow the crowd in their activities, dressing style, and behaviour for example.
Pre-teens and teenagers have a stronger need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, and if they are not able to find support at home, they would gravitate towards their peers whom they spend much time with, such as their friends.
It is our duty as parents to guide our young ones in such situations in order to build their confidence, self-esteem, assertiveness, values and character.
Help them widen their social circle in a healthy and positive setting by encouraging them to take up new activities and responsibilities such as joining a uniformed group or volunteering at an animal shelter for example.
From the very beginning, we need to encourage open communication with our children for them to feel comfortable to approach us for advice or help.
Without being too intrusive, find out who their friends are, what they talk about and do when they are together to get a better picture of the peer influence your children are exposed to.
theSun, Tue, 15 Mar 2011
EVERYONE faces peer influence at different times in his or her life. Young children are not immune but in their case, most times they are not aware of it and would naturally react as how their young minds would.
For example, your child may pester you for the latest Barbie doll accessory just because she doesn’t want to feel left out among her friends at kindergarten who are constantly talking about theirs.
Meanwhile, those in their teens may face a different type of peer influence. It could range from conforming to a behaviour or a type of dressing to indulging in risky activities such as smoking, drinking or taking drugs – just so they can be part of a group.
While we have often talked and worried about the negative effects of peer influence, there is also a positive side to it.
According to Kidshealth.org, it is comforting for children to face life’s challenges with friends who are also facing similar challenges and share their interests.
When children accept each other, they learn about honesty and sincerity. They learn the values of loyalty and how to build healthy and lasting friendships.
Peers can set good examples for each other, such as in wanting to do well in school or extra-curricular activities. Good friends listen, discuss problems, share ideas and give feedback. They help each other think through issues and decisions.
Such children also have more courage to try out new things, make new friends, or learn a new skill when they have one another for company and give each other moral support.
Peers may influence your child to join a club, listen to a genre of music they are otherwise not accustomed to, or for younger ones, eat some vegetables!
When our children are young, we play a part in determining who their peers are. We arrange play dates for them with children whose parents are our friends. We get to know the parents of their classmates in kindergarten through common activities at school or at birthday parties.
In this way, we are in better control of their exposure to positive peer influence.
As our children grow older, they would be spending more time with their peers and, therefore, be more exposed to situations where they are pressured to follow the crowd in their activities, dressing style, and behaviour for example.
Pre-teens and teenagers have a stronger need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, and if they are not able to find support at home, they would gravitate towards their peers whom they spend much time with, such as their friends.
It is our duty as parents to guide our young ones in such situations in order to build their confidence, self-esteem, assertiveness, values and character.
Help them widen their social circle in a healthy and positive setting by encouraging them to take up new activities and responsibilities such as joining a uniformed group or volunteering at an animal shelter for example.
From the very beginning, we need to encourage open communication with our children for them to feel comfortable to approach us for advice or help.
Without being too intrusive, find out who their friends are, what they talk about and do when they are together to get a better picture of the peer influence your children are exposed to.
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