Separation anxiety

theSun, Tue, 20 Jul 2010

THE memory of it is still fresh although it happened four years ago – the first time I sent my child to nursery school. She was then three years old.
I had prepared her for it as best as I could, but when the moment came for me to leave, the floodgates opened and the school bell was no match for her bawling.

I was advised by the experienced teacher to simply say a reassuring goodbye and leave her in their good hands. I plucked up the courage to trust the teachers and left, albeit with a heavy heart.

When I returned a couple of hours later and took a peek through the window, there she was, still crying and calling out for me.

While the crying bouts decreased as the days passed, it took her about two weeks before she could say goodbye to me with a smile.

I’m sure many parents have experienced a similar situation.

Young children become anxious or fearful when they experience new people, new surroundings, changes to their routine and most of all, when they are separated from the people they have close bonds with, such as their parents or caregiver.

Separation anxiety, as it is termed, usually happens when the child has discovered the concept of object permanence, whereby something or someone still exists when out of his sight.

This usually takes place when the child is around nine months old and peaks between 12 to 24 months.

Toddlers, especially those who have less experience in being separated from loved ones, will also feel it more.

It also happens to older children when they start formal schooling or when a situation arises where a loved one is going away.

There are some steps we can take to soften the blow.

Place your child with an alternate caregiver without your presence occasionally. Provide him with positive and fun experiences with caregivers for short periods of time.

Do not sneak away without his knowledge. Instead, tell him reassuringly that you will be back and that he will be all right.

Before you leave, give him an object of yours to keep safely on your behalf such as a photograph of yourself or a keychain for example, so that he’ll know that you’ll come back for it and him.

You can also read books about going to nursery or pre-school and going on new adventures.

If possible, familiarise him with the new surroundings and people he will be with, prior to the ‘official’ time when he starts at the daycare or school.

Make informal visits there to see the place, teachers and new friends. Walk around the place, tell him what he will be doing, especially the fun activities and toys he’ll get to play with while you are away.

Although it could be a trying period of transition for both the child and parent, rest assured that it would come to pass sooner or with a bit more patience, later.

However, you may need to consider seeking professional help if your child displays persistent and extreme anxiety, such as having recurrent nightmares about being separated, fear of being alone, kidnapped or lost, and excessive worrying that bad things will happen to his loved ones.

He may refuse to go to sleep without being near his loved one, and often complain of physical problems such as stomachaches or headaches when being separated.

These are some symptoms of a separate problem called separation anxiety disorder.