Saying no to junior

We need to teach our children that there will be times in their lives when they cannot get what they want

theSun, tues, 29 March 2011

IT WAS time to leave after her tiring physical activity class. Bedtime beckoned as it was a schoolday the next day but she asked if she could go to the indoor playground nearby.
I said ‘no’. She pleaded and tried to negotiate but I stood firm. Her facial expression changed very quickly from happy to desperate to angry.

As much as we love our children and want to give them everything if we could, there will be times we know we have to say ‘no’ to them.

Saying ‘no’ to our children could be an uneasy task at times because we dread having to deal with what comes after – the power struggle, the tantrum and tears.

We are tempted to avoid the hassle of dealing with such situations because we want them off our backs for some peace and quiet.

If we do that, very quickly, our children will know when and how they can manipulate us to get what they want. They will cry or plead on bended knees long enough until you say ‘yes’.

We need to teach our children a life’s lesson, that there will be times when we cannot get what we want.

Sometimes, we cannot get what we want immediately and instead, have to work and wait for it.

By not giving in to instant gratification and saying ‘no’, we can teach them patience. They will learn to appreciate what they have more.

Otherwise, they will lack the motivation to work towards what they want because they think they are entitled to it.

By denying them sometimes, they will be in touch with the reality of life’s limits and be able to cope with boundaries and disappointments later in life.

Sometimes, we hesitate in saying ‘no’ because we might make them feel rejected when we disappoint them.

Separate the ‘no’ from rejection. Explain to them that ‘no’ means they cannot have what they want; it does not mean you do not love them.

How we say it could make a difference as well. Check your tone of voice and the accompanying words you use.

You could say ‘yes’ with a twist. For instance, telling her "yes, you can have ice cream later after dinner" and not "no, you cannot have it now" could bring about a better outcome.

See if there are alternatives you could offer or if they are younger and can still be easily distracted, turn their attention to more exciting things.

Saying ‘no’ to our children is hard but it is essential and worth the hassle.

According to therapist Jill MacDonald in her article Understanding the Need to Say ‘No’ to Your Children, "you learn that when you say ‘no’, you’re teaching your child something.

"You start to understand that saying ‘no’ is a tool. You learn to say ‘no’ in a non-punishing manner. You take the time to think through your answers, while keeping your focus on the life lesson at hand.

"Our role as parents is to raise our children to be happy, successful, contributing members of society.

"Therefore, teaching them to handle hearing ‘no’ – and to understand the lesson behind it – is key," she says.