Encouraging honesty

theSun, 26 Aug 2008

BY age three or four, most children will have somehow developed the smarts to avoid admitting their wrongdoing by telling lies or stories. They are afraid that if they tell the truth, we will be disappointed or angry, or they will be punished.

Usually young children fabricate stories because they have actually forgotten what they had done or because they want so much to please us that they really believe that they have done nothing wrong.

Once, my daughter’s teacher informed me that she and her friends were talking during her lesson. When the teacher brought it up with the children, my daughter insisted she had not talked. What should we do to encourage honesty among children and teach them about telling the truth?

It is important to have an environment where your child feels safe to tell the truth. Praise her when she does it. This helps, especially if she had lied before.
Children feel good when they know they have pleased you. Give them a smile or cuddle and say: "Thank you for telling me the truth. I like it when you do that."
Children may lie due to other concerns or fears. Find out why they lied and address the underlying concern. If your child copied the answers for her homework, prompt her to tell you why she did it. You can then discuss with her why it is important to work out the answers on her own.

If your child jumps the ice cream queue and denies doing it, don’t call her a liar. Labelling her as one will make her defensive. It would be harder then for her to listen to you. You could say: "I understand that you like ice cream very much and want to get it as soon as possible." The child will then be more open to listen and learn that she must wait for her turn when she knows you are not out to get her.

To teach our children honesty, we must be honest ourselves. Children learn from example. If they hear you calling in sick when you are actually fine, they will think it is all right that they do the same when they want to avoid school.

Above all, create a loving environment to help the child feel assured that even if she has done something wrong, she will still be loved. Separate the wrongdoing from the lie. Help her understand that everyone makes mistakes now and then but this does not mean that the person can lie about it. Try to convey the message that you expect her to tell the truth.

Help her to understand the consequences of lying. When we find out that our child has lied, we would naturally feel disappointed or angry.
While it is easier said than done, try to keep your cool and not use punishment to scare her into telling the truth. Neither should you tell her that she will rewarded or not be punished if she tells the truth. Instead, help her see that when she lies, someone else will be blamed and in future, others will not want to trust her.