Back to Basics

theSun, Tues, 9 Nov 2010

My daughter’s current ambition is to be a singer-cum-guitarist in a rock band, so she asked for singing and guitar lessons. At age four, she was totally enamoured with the drums and pestered us for drum lessons. Once, she was fascinated with some children’s artwork displayed outside an art school so she requested for art lessons. Then, there were requests for dance, piano and kung fu classes. To cut the story short, there have been many other instances of such requests along the way.

As a parent, I am pleased that she has the desire and curiosity to want to learn new things. But it is also a challenge to juggle the benefits of allowing her to explore and learn, with her ability to focus and be committed to each activity. And not to mention determining which she could have since time and money were important considerations in these pursuits.

Other parents lament that their kids are not interested in anything besides their toys, games and the television, and that they have to coax and find ways to get them interested. Being on either side of the extreme is neither good nor bad. It is just a matter of keeping perspectives right.

Often times, especially in our current competitive world, we are pressured to want our children to do well in everything they pursue. We tend to compare our child’s performance with others.

While we love our children and want the best for them, we sometimes inadvertently push them a little too much, and even unknowingly try to live out our lives through them. Because we ourselves had desired to be a doctor but did not make it somehow, we want our child to study medicine for example.

Children should be given the freedom to explore, find their passion and develop their individual talents. A child is a unique individual and therefore cannot be compared with any other child, not even his or her twin.

Paul Zucker, author of parenting book "Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves - How We Achieve Our Mutual Happiness And Fulfillment" said, “Our responsibility as parents is to allow our children to discover and express their uniqueness, combination of intelligence, talents, and abilities. If we believe they are unique and thus gifted, different and special, then we know we don't have to impose our desires on them. We also know that all children are special, because they are all unique, so we give up making it a competition. Other parent's children can do what they do, and our kids can do what they do and there is room for everyone; their kids can't do what ours can in some way and vice versa.

We allow children to discover and express their uniqueness by not imposing specific outcomes. In other words, we do not make them play a sport or instrument, dance, learn to cook, ride a bike, go water skiing, learn a hobby, if they are not willing and enthusiastic. Our job as parents is to provide opportunities for our children to explore, try, and experience life.”

That’s a good reminder. We need to free our children from the pressure and conflict within themselves created by our plans and desires for them. Give your children the opportunity to experience many things. They will eventually discover their passion, talent and abilities, and excel.